doin' the fugue

Dear LoLyn,
Thank you for helping me understand my double personality and that of my mother's. I don't think she appreciated my psycho babble ( she hasn't called me since I gave her this letter) but here is how I summed it up for her:

Dear Mother,

Thank you for listening to me on the phone today. It was a real treat for you to say you could hear me.

The reason I brought all this up is I realized how much of my life I have spent in a fugue state of disassociation. And your just saying, “I don't dwell on the past” would be funny if it weren't so indicative or your disassociation.

I don't spend very much time with you relatively speaking of your 24 / 7 days. And of that time about half of it you are in your dissociate state. During that time you are mean to me, and say very ugly things to me as if getting vengeance on your step mother or others who abused you. I recognized this long age and Try not to let it hurt me, but because I am very fragile and tender and have a mental illness which include paranoid thoughts, I can't help but let it eat at me.

I know you don't recognize it and don't mean to do it, and there is no need to apologize, but what it is is significant indication that you do dwell on the past, significantly. Ever since I was a very small child, 5 or less, you have told me terrible stories of the abuse you endured with your step mother, the nuns, Harwood, Jimmy, then scolded me for mentioning it later when you were in your mommy state.



I loved my mommy and wanted her to be around all the time. Now I know she couldn't be because the painful memories were just too much to bare.

Post traumatic stress untreated is very painful. Probably more painful than the original abuse, and your tender little soul, and tiny little body could not have endured that pain originally or post traumatically without the fugue (moving away) state. So you would leave your body and become someone else to protect your self.

I think it is so cool that we can do that. I’ve done that most of my life, but never have I been so aware of it as these last couple of months.

You have raised the issue of me being so “rude to Duane and Jean” behind my back to Glenn and Marie. I think they have explained, but let me add my own explanation. Possibly you will understand

I have had the most incredible visual hallucinations anyone could imagine. When I went to your house and D and J were there at your table I actually believed I was hallucinating and in my effort to communicate with you and not be sidetracked by the visual hallucination I tried to focus on you and the conversation I was having with you. (if you have seen the movie Beautiful Mind you will recognize what a struggle it is). The reason I believed it was an hallucination was that D had emailed me strict instructions that he did not want anything to do with me, in social or business contest, and that I was not to interfere with his family in any manner, nor even to invite him to our family parties and socials.

Your dinner was only two or three days later, and I was trying to oblige him if he were real, and if it were an hallucination, trying to keep on track with reality.

You did not react in any way, or appear to be uncomfortable, so I was reinforced in my belief that it was indeed on of my visual hallucinations. The same is true for a few days ago when I thought J was an hallucination. I did not even see her at first. You mentioned she had been digging weeds, and as we drove got in the car my hubby waived to her and I caught a glimpse of her hiding in the flower bed by the downstairs door.

I am seriously mentally Ill. I have gone through about six weeks of psychotic mania with hallucinations both visual and oral, even olfactory (smells from childhood) included. It has been a real trip but I try to keep my hubby close by for reality checks. That’s what my second husband was was so very good at when I had a psychotic break.



The term break with reality is a total misnomer. I am totally immersed in reality to the point that I make those around me very uncomfortable by telling the truth like a mentalist. I am so ultra aware of reality that I make me uncomfortable as well.



I am taking medicine, a chemical lobotomy attempting to go back into my rat cage and be invisible, but somehow I don’t think that will happen this time; I think I will keep the learnings and the memories of this manic episode. At least I will have them in writing on my blog for ALL THE WORLD to read if they want.



But they won’t, don’t worry. They are all too lazy to read that much.



It is too much TROUBLE for all of them, not just you.



So it really doesn’t matter what I write, it will never be read, but it will be there published for the world.



And maybe I can add something to the world research on bi-polar by donating my mind now and my brain after death.

I hope so.



It will give my life some meaning.