Dear LoLyn,
Thank you for helping me understand my double personality and that of my mother's. I don't think she appreciated my psycho babble ( she hasn't called me since I gave her this letter) but here is how I summed it up for her:
Dear Mother,
Thank you for listening to me on the phone today. It was a real treat for you to say you could hear me.
The reason I brought all this up is I realized how much of my life I have spent in a fugue state of disassociation. And your just saying, “I don't dwell on the past” would be funny if it weren't so indicative or your disassociation.
I don't spend very much time with you relatively speaking of your 24 / 7 days. And of that time about half of it you are in your dissociate state. During that time you are mean to me, and say very ugly things to me as if getting vengeance on your step mother or others who abused you. I recognized this long age and Try not to let it hurt me, but because I am very fragile and tender and have a mental illness which include paranoid thoughts, I can't help but let it eat at me.
I know you don't recognize it and don't mean to do it, and there is no need to apologize, but what it is is significant indication that you do dwell on the past, significantly. Ever since I was a very small child, 5 or less, you have told me terrible stories of the abuse you endured with your step mother, the nuns, Harwood, Jimmy, then scolded me for mentioning it later when you were in your mommy state.
I loved my mommy and wanted her to be around all the time. Now I know she couldn't be because the painful memories were just too much to bare.
Post traumatic stress untreated is very painful. Probably more painful than the original abuse, and your tender little soul, and tiny little body could not have endured that pain originally or post traumatically without the fugue (moving away) state. So you would leave your body and become someone else to protect your self.
I think it is so cool that we can do that. I’ve done that most of my life, but never have I been so aware of it as these last couple of months.
You have raised the issue of me being so “rude to Duane and Jean” behind my back to Glenn and Marie. I think they have explained, but let me add my own explanation. Possibly you will understand
I have had the most incredible visual hallucinations anyone could imagine. When I went to your house and D and J were there at your table I actually believed I was hallucinating and in my effort to communicate with you and not be sidetracked by the visual hallucination I tried to focus on you and the conversation I was having with you. (if you have seen the movie Beautiful Mind you will recognize what a struggle it is). The reason I believed it was an hallucination was that D had emailed me strict instructions that he did not want anything to do with me, in social or business contest, and that I was not to interfere with his family in any manner, nor even to invite him to our family parties and socials.
Your dinner was only two or three days later, and I was trying to oblige him if he were real, and if it were an hallucination, trying to keep on track with reality.
You did not react in any way, or appear to be uncomfortable, so I was reinforced in my belief that it was indeed on of my visual hallucinations. The same is true for a few days ago when I thought J was an hallucination. I did not even see her at first. You mentioned she had been digging weeds, and as we drove got in the car my hubby waived to her and I caught a glimpse of her hiding in the flower bed by the downstairs door.
I am seriously mentally Ill. I have gone through about six weeks of psychotic mania with hallucinations both visual and oral, even olfactory (smells from childhood) included. It has been a real trip but I try to keep my hubby close by for reality checks. That’s what my second husband was was so very good at when I had a psychotic break.
The term break with reality is a total misnomer. I am totally immersed in reality to the point that I make those around me very uncomfortable by telling the truth like a mentalist. I am so ultra aware of reality that I make me uncomfortable as well.
I am taking medicine, a chemical lobotomy attempting to go back into my rat cage and be invisible, but somehow I don’t think that will happen this time; I think I will keep the learnings and the memories of this manic episode. At least I will have them in writing on my blog for ALL THE WORLD to read if they want.
But they won’t, don’t worry. They are all too lazy to read that much.
It is too much TROUBLE for all of them, not just you.
So it really doesn’t matter what I write, it will never be read, but it will be there published for the world.
And maybe I can add something to the world research on bi-polar by donating my mind now and my brain after death.
I hope so.
It will give my life some meaning.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Family traits are the same all over the World
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Dear Lolyn, Your posts have stirred up the nasties in my family of origin.
Thank you.
We know it will now take time and not bandaids to heal.
Thank you for providing the resourses!
Re: Our Precious, beloved Mother
The only thing you can do is distance yourself emotionally.
You can't do anything about it, so there is no need to spend precious
emotional energy worrying about it.
I am very pleasant to D and J when I see them,
and sincerely so, but I certainly don't circulate in their family circle.
I just can't stand D pretending the tension is coming from elsewhere.
You also have to realize that Mother creates her own stress
by being so stubborn that she doesn't want anyone to help her,
especially from D's wife. I get those words from Mother's mouth,
this is NOT an assumption. Between that and her intense need
to not feel like she is offending or depending on someone, she creates much of it.
Just remember, D betrayed and yes, cheated sister,
and yes used her as his pawn for his own gain.
She had worked hard to find internally that she doesn't not have
to be eaten up by something that is not her fault.
She is healing body and soul. That does not negate D's culpability,
but since he recognizes none, and will do nothing to heal himself,
none of us can help him either.
Just believe that sister is doing very well.
Just discount D 's, "well sister is very mentally ill."
She knows that. D is currently much, much sicker mentally than she is,
but he doesn't know it, and refuses to know it.
Just because that is what is it, is no reason for the rest of us to carry it,
most especially Mother.
Just remember, D loves to be kind and generous, but unfortunately,
he has a long history of taking someone else down with him as collateral damage
to him do-good efforts.
I know my note was harsh.
It was also true and the truth can be very hard when one doesn't want to hear it.
I believe Lamen and Lemuel said that themselves when being called to task.
Dear sister
I have been watching this develop -- from here, as they
both e-mail me about it quite often.
My heart is broken about it, and I don't have any idea what I can do for
them.
your brother
Subject: Our Precious, beloved Mother
D&J,
I don't know what the deal is, but once again I was forwarded one of the
nastiest, disrespectful emails from one of your kids.
I don't know why they were taught to hate our sister,
but they hate her with a vengence that I have never seen before.
I asked sister not to forward any more to me because it literally
makes me sick to my stomach.
They say the most outrageous, degrading things imaginable,
show disrespect to everyone in the family, including you two as part of the siblings.
They have scolded and berated everything.
I suppose they believe everything they hear, and since they have nothing
to balance it with, thus they are so biased they have no more sense
than to broil in hatred.
Sister sent some research information to everyone, as she does.
Anyone is free to read or ignore, there are no strings attached,
but she got some very ugly responses as if she was up to something.
I certainly don't have time to read all she posts,
even though we email each other multiple times a day.
Our Sister has followed your wishes, per your written email,
to cut you out of all personal, family and business dealings.
As far as I know, you have never recinded that demand.
Mother did not know about your written damand until today.
Now she has a better understanding of sister's actions.
She actually thought it was her daughter who was being contentious.
I told her no, not so she was only following D's wishes.
She wouldn't have gone at that time if she had known Mother had company.
I advised her to block all email from your family (she already had).
I also advised her to not share anything else with your family,
it obviously is not appreciated.
Somehow it's, according to your son, "an underhanded way of. . . .;
you have the logo "growing together" when you are the example
of the exact opposite of that," etc. is the essence of what he said.
Why would she throw pearls before swine?
The reason Mother wanted to move away from her apartment in D's home?
Mother can't stand the stress and contention in your home and the contempt
that is shown to her daughter.
Mother is so afraid to offend Jean that it keeps her guts in an uproar.
She has tried to help on the yard, but is so afraid her daughter-in-law
will scold her about pulling out a weed that she can't even enjoy that any more.
That's only one of many examples.
I had a very serious, long heart to heart with Mother today about
it and was able to fill in some of the missing information.
Mother always said it takes two to fight, but apparently not so.
The other day, Our sister was trying to talk to Mother,
who can't hear her as it is,
and apparently in a misguided effort to make everything all smiley
and pretend that who knows what?
you two kept interrupting and disturbing the conversation.
Sister considered you non-entities because that was your written
demand previously, so she treated you as such.
You can't wave a wand and make it OK.
Despite some good things you have done for her in the past,
You have damaged our Sister very seriously.
The betrayal she has endured and has now come to peace with in her own mind,
despite no true apology ever from you, is unimaginable.
She has worked hard to make sense of it all.
She has one-sided, for herself been able to work
through years of suffering to have some peace in her life.
She has worked extremely hard to do this, and is now enjoying the rewards of
peace of mind as well as a healing body.
She believes that to hate someone
who has wronged you only hurts yourself and does nothing to help or reform
the other person.
She is protecting herself in a newly found mental and
physical freedom that is amazing.
Despite everything she is well, happy and thriving!
I couldn't be more thrilled about it.
Mother needs to be allowed to see that too.
I stepped in last year was when I could no longer stand to see what
you were doing to her, all the lies, deception, illegal activity,
fraudulent mortgage, the double talk to me,
the inability to account for your billing to her name in any thing
close to an itemized list, the outrageous chargeson the bill,
the going back on your agreement about her house and then
turning her house and expecting her to pay for it,
then leaving her house in a shambles anyway is beyond me.
I couldn't sit and watch more of it.
She had to have that signed document to protect herself from future attacks.
By the way, get her the patio door you charged her for.
For $600 it should be factory new, not a piece of unmatching trash.
Now she has a person who is doing all the long put off needed repairs and
upgrades that were necessary, but never done, even to making it meet safety code.
I have no idea what idiot inspected it, but anyone in the world knowsyou have a door
between the furnace and any sleeping area.
She now has brought that up to code, along with other things.
Am I angry? No. I'm just sick about the attitudes and the pretense.
The rest of us are doing great, but you keep it stirred with your continued
rejection of our little sister and fueling your children's hatred of her.
My kids don't hate you.
Sister's kids don't hate you, but your kids hate her
and anything she says or does, with a vengence.
The thing that makes me sickest is what Mother is suffering in your house.
She is convinced she will get sick and die next year if it does not stop.
Good grief, betrayal was enough, but to ban her from your life
in all aspects and THEN try to make it look like she is the one
who is resentful, etc.
That is a nasty game.
Stop stressing Mother or she will have absolutely no choice to move over to
assisted liveing to save her life!
There is no contention between any siblings except yourself and yourself.
No response is needed. I won't bother to read it anyway.
I am so done with all the crap and poison.
I would certainly hope you wouldn't be tacky enough to share these private
feelings with your children, but if you do, make sure they know that it is
none of their business and that you have betrayed a trust and thrust
unwanted crap on the by your own volition, not from anyone else.
I apologize to our mutual siblings for feeling compelled to write this.
More sincerely than you can even imagine,
your other sister that
your have hated for years.
Dear youngest sibling;
If you only knew how many letters I have received that match yours.
The world is full of hate filled families that go back generations.
Families attempting to hide the mental illness under the rug in
full sight in the living room.
What if we replaced the words coronary disease,
or diabetis which are also DNA based inherited diseases
for the words Mental Health disorder.
Would there be so much anger, so much denial,
so much family bickering about who is sicker than the others.
No there would be an all out rush to read the web sites that give information on how to prevent, cure and wipe out those diseases. Why in God's name are we so afraid
to say, yea our family inherited this vile disease,
it is not just Auntie that has it it is all of us and if we don't do
something our children will destroy their lives and our Grand children
will suffer amazingly tortured existances on this earth.
Make it go away.
You can and because you can, you are responsible.
God will smite you if you do not.
If you don't want to read my blog,
Lickin' and Groomin'
Read the original research on psychoeducation.org.
Read something.
Do something.
Save your kids.
Produce non bipolar grandkids.
Dont stay in denial.
You will be judged accordingly.
Posted by LoLyn at 10:39 AM
Dear Lolyn, Your posts have stirred up the nasties in my family of origin.
Thank you.
We know it will now take time and not bandaids to heal.
Thank you for providing the resourses!
Re: Our Precious, beloved Mother
The only thing you can do is distance yourself emotionally.
You can't do anything about it, so there is no need to spend precious
emotional energy worrying about it.
I am very pleasant to D and J when I see them,
and sincerely so, but I certainly don't circulate in their family circle.
I just can't stand D pretending the tension is coming from elsewhere.
You also have to realize that Mother creates her own stress
by being so stubborn that she doesn't want anyone to help her,
especially from D's wife. I get those words from Mother's mouth,
this is NOT an assumption. Between that and her intense need
to not feel like she is offending or depending on someone, she creates much of it.
Just remember, D betrayed and yes, cheated sister,
and yes used her as his pawn for his own gain.
She had worked hard to find internally that she doesn't not have
to be eaten up by something that is not her fault.
She is healing body and soul. That does not negate D's culpability,
but since he recognizes none, and will do nothing to heal himself,
none of us can help him either.
Just believe that sister is doing very well.
Just discount D 's, "well sister is very mentally ill."
She knows that. D is currently much, much sicker mentally than she is,
but he doesn't know it, and refuses to know it.
Just because that is what is it, is no reason for the rest of us to carry it,
most especially Mother.
Just remember, D loves to be kind and generous, but unfortunately,
he has a long history of taking someone else down with him as collateral damage
to him do-good efforts.
I know my note was harsh.
It was also true and the truth can be very hard when one doesn't want to hear it.
I believe Lamen and Lemuel said that themselves when being called to task.
Dear sister
I have been watching this develop -- from here, as they
both e-mail me about it quite often.
My heart is broken about it, and I don't have any idea what I can do for
them.
your brother
Subject: Our Precious, beloved Mother
D&J,
I don't know what the deal is, but once again I was forwarded one of the
nastiest, disrespectful emails from one of your kids.
I don't know why they were taught to hate our sister,
but they hate her with a vengence that I have never seen before.
I asked sister not to forward any more to me because it literally
makes me sick to my stomach.
They say the most outrageous, degrading things imaginable,
show disrespect to everyone in the family, including you two as part of the siblings.
They have scolded and berated everything.
I suppose they believe everything they hear, and since they have nothing
to balance it with, thus they are so biased they have no more sense
than to broil in hatred.
Sister sent some research information to everyone, as she does.
Anyone is free to read or ignore, there are no strings attached,
but she got some very ugly responses as if she was up to something.
I certainly don't have time to read all she posts,
even though we email each other multiple times a day.
Our Sister has followed your wishes, per your written email,
to cut you out of all personal, family and business dealings.
As far as I know, you have never recinded that demand.
Mother did not know about your written damand until today.
Now she has a better understanding of sister's actions.
She actually thought it was her daughter who was being contentious.
I told her no, not so she was only following D's wishes.
She wouldn't have gone at that time if she had known Mother had company.
I advised her to block all email from your family (she already had).
I also advised her to not share anything else with your family,
it obviously is not appreciated.
Somehow it's, according to your son, "an underhanded way of. . . .;
you have the logo "growing together" when you are the example
of the exact opposite of that," etc. is the essence of what he said.
Why would she throw pearls before swine?
The reason Mother wanted to move away from her apartment in D's home?
Mother can't stand the stress and contention in your home and the contempt
that is shown to her daughter.
Mother is so afraid to offend Jean that it keeps her guts in an uproar.
She has tried to help on the yard, but is so afraid her daughter-in-law
will scold her about pulling out a weed that she can't even enjoy that any more.
That's only one of many examples.
I had a very serious, long heart to heart with Mother today about
it and was able to fill in some of the missing information.
Mother always said it takes two to fight, but apparently not so.
The other day, Our sister was trying to talk to Mother,
who can't hear her as it is,
and apparently in a misguided effort to make everything all smiley
and pretend that who knows what?
you two kept interrupting and disturbing the conversation.
Sister considered you non-entities because that was your written
demand previously, so she treated you as such.
You can't wave a wand and make it OK.
Despite some good things you have done for her in the past,
You have damaged our Sister very seriously.
The betrayal she has endured and has now come to peace with in her own mind,
despite no true apology ever from you, is unimaginable.
She has worked hard to make sense of it all.
She has one-sided, for herself been able to work
through years of suffering to have some peace in her life.
She has worked extremely hard to do this, and is now enjoying the rewards of
peace of mind as well as a healing body.
She believes that to hate someone
who has wronged you only hurts yourself and does nothing to help or reform
the other person.
She is protecting herself in a newly found mental and
physical freedom that is amazing.
Despite everything she is well, happy and thriving!
I couldn't be more thrilled about it.
Mother needs to be allowed to see that too.
I stepped in last year was when I could no longer stand to see what
you were doing to her, all the lies, deception, illegal activity,
fraudulent mortgage, the double talk to me,
the inability to account for your billing to her name in any thing
close to an itemized list, the outrageous chargeson the bill,
the going back on your agreement about her house and then
turning her house and expecting her to pay for it,
then leaving her house in a shambles anyway is beyond me.
I couldn't sit and watch more of it.
She had to have that signed document to protect herself from future attacks.
By the way, get her the patio door you charged her for.
For $600 it should be factory new, not a piece of unmatching trash.
Now she has a person who is doing all the long put off needed repairs and
upgrades that were necessary, but never done, even to making it meet safety code.
I have no idea what idiot inspected it, but anyone in the world knowsyou have a door
between the furnace and any sleeping area.
She now has brought that up to code, along with other things.
Am I angry? No. I'm just sick about the attitudes and the pretense.
The rest of us are doing great, but you keep it stirred with your continued
rejection of our little sister and fueling your children's hatred of her.
My kids don't hate you.
Sister's kids don't hate you, but your kids hate her
and anything she says or does, with a vengence.
The thing that makes me sickest is what Mother is suffering in your house.
She is convinced she will get sick and die next year if it does not stop.
Good grief, betrayal was enough, but to ban her from your life
in all aspects and THEN try to make it look like she is the one
who is resentful, etc.
That is a nasty game.
Stop stressing Mother or she will have absolutely no choice to move over to
assisted liveing to save her life!
There is no contention between any siblings except yourself and yourself.
No response is needed. I won't bother to read it anyway.
I am so done with all the crap and poison.
I would certainly hope you wouldn't be tacky enough to share these private
feelings with your children, but if you do, make sure they know that it is
none of their business and that you have betrayed a trust and thrust
unwanted crap on the by your own volition, not from anyone else.
I apologize to our mutual siblings for feeling compelled to write this.
More sincerely than you can even imagine,
your other sister that
your have hated for years.
Dear youngest sibling;
If you only knew how many letters I have received that match yours.
The world is full of hate filled families that go back generations.
Families attempting to hide the mental illness under the rug in
full sight in the living room.
What if we replaced the words coronary disease,
or diabetis which are also DNA based inherited diseases
for the words Mental Health disorder.
Would there be so much anger, so much denial,
so much family bickering about who is sicker than the others.
No there would be an all out rush to read the web sites that give information on how to prevent, cure and wipe out those diseases. Why in God's name are we so afraid
to say, yea our family inherited this vile disease,
it is not just Auntie that has it it is all of us and if we don't do
something our children will destroy their lives and our Grand children
will suffer amazingly tortured existances on this earth.
Make it go away.
You can and because you can, you are responsible.
God will smite you if you do not.
If you don't want to read my blog,
Lickin' and Groomin'
Read the original research on psychoeducation.org.
Read something.
Do something.
Save your kids.
Produce non bipolar grandkids.
Dont stay in denial.
You will be judged accordingly.
Posted by LoLyn at 10:39 AM
Visualization of subatomic healing
I lay there sweating and chilled in a pool of liquid emotions, undulating spectrum of colors of hot and cold surrounding my unconscious body as the surgeon made the necessary changes in a tiny ligament of my right eye lid in the expectation that it will no longer droop closed limiting my peripheral vision.
Dozens of nanobots were inserted through that microscopic slit to soldier forth and concuer the disease ravaged body I possessed. The waves of color and temperature surrounded and encased me as my spine, a one inch diameter electric cable was opened to my view and the twisting of the various colored wires showed an enmeshment and fusing of wires which not only connected the billion parts of my body to my brain stem, but me to the people in my life and their lives, weaving twisted patterns and untraceable connections throughout the cable. What wire would lead where was anyone’s guess, but gradually the wires unflexed and began to slack; in their slackened state they allowed the rebuilding of their God given patterns. Just as a computer defrags in the early hours of the morning in preparation for its use the next business day.
Wire by wire realigned, freed itself from the corrosion and found its way to the proper body part to reconnect and realign, giving new life to those cells at a molecular level. Strand by strand the complex process was completed, and a cool liquid flushed through the cable, gently flushing the toxins and liquefied putriification from my body, flushing healing down through my spine and out into the universe through the opening in my always painful tail bone, . siphoning in at the same time healing life giving health, into the void.
Lying there exhausted I began to notice the crusts of corrosion on the outside of my body had encapsulated me, as if in a science fiction novel in which the people have been calcified into rock or crustaceous shell coverings. Gradually the calcification began to crack, layer by layer, molecule by atom; quarks demonstrated their intelligence, reconfiguring the protons and neutrons that made up the molecules of the individual cells.
Like old paint, peeling layer by layer, then chunk by chunk, falling from my side into a black hole, releasing fresh flesh, born again, resurrected from the wreck of a body it left behind.
Flesh upon pink flesh was exposed to the healing lights and temperatures and healing took place from the skin in, at the sub molecular level.
And Then I slept a dreamless sleep and awoke healed of the pain I had endured for a life time in my hips and legs.
[You have envisioned molecule by molecule, subatomic particle by subatomic particle, being called away or commanded to reorganize correctly. Glenn]
Dozens of nanobots were inserted through that microscopic slit to soldier forth and concuer the disease ravaged body I possessed. The waves of color and temperature surrounded and encased me as my spine, a one inch diameter electric cable was opened to my view and the twisting of the various colored wires showed an enmeshment and fusing of wires which not only connected the billion parts of my body to my brain stem, but me to the people in my life and their lives, weaving twisted patterns and untraceable connections throughout the cable. What wire would lead where was anyone’s guess, but gradually the wires unflexed and began to slack; in their slackened state they allowed the rebuilding of their God given patterns. Just as a computer defrags in the early hours of the morning in preparation for its use the next business day.
Wire by wire realigned, freed itself from the corrosion and found its way to the proper body part to reconnect and realign, giving new life to those cells at a molecular level. Strand by strand the complex process was completed, and a cool liquid flushed through the cable, gently flushing the toxins and liquefied putriification from my body, flushing healing down through my spine and out into the universe through the opening in my always painful tail bone, . siphoning in at the same time healing life giving health, into the void.
Lying there exhausted I began to notice the crusts of corrosion on the outside of my body had encapsulated me, as if in a science fiction novel in which the people have been calcified into rock or crustaceous shell coverings. Gradually the calcification began to crack, layer by layer, molecule by atom; quarks demonstrated their intelligence, reconfiguring the protons and neutrons that made up the molecules of the individual cells.
Like old paint, peeling layer by layer, then chunk by chunk, falling from my side into a black hole, releasing fresh flesh, born again, resurrected from the wreck of a body it left behind.
Flesh upon pink flesh was exposed to the healing lights and temperatures and healing took place from the skin in, at the sub molecular level.
And Then I slept a dreamless sleep and awoke healed of the pain I had endured for a life time in my hips and legs.
[You have envisioned molecule by molecule, subatomic particle by subatomic particle, being called away or commanded to reorganize correctly. Glenn]
I was cleaning my file drawer, ran across the forms you gave me three years ago
and thought of you, and of me, and of two different lives,
but really not so different in too many ways.
I actually graduated this month from college (Masters), except for an incomplete,
which I will remove January 14 by turning in a paper and taking a final
in the Professional Ethics class.
I finished a poorly supervised school counseling internship,
while teaching last semester as Reading Specialist in grades l-4.
Last year there was terrific, I was well liked and respected by my principal,
and I was free to organize and arrange the reading program according
to what I thought best.
The district did a shuffle, and we got a new principal, cloned from my husband,
this year, and about August, I realized that I had a knife to my back
and he was laying a paper trail to not renew my contract.
I pleaded with my counselor to tell me I was paranoid, but he investigated
a bit and said, "I'm sorry, you’re not paranoid, you really are under the ax."
Now I've learned an awful lot about personalities,
DISC and Hartman’s color code, enough to know I was in a situation of personality clash
nearly over my head, and really, no matter what I improved or changed,
he would see no changes and give no complements.
Fortunately I had joined the education association and
leaned heavily on the regional representative.
Christmas miracles still happen, and a coach at the junior high resigned,
and the 7th grade English teacher took the coaching job leaving the
English classroom open. I took the intra district job form to my principal
and asked him to sign about 3 minutes after he had announced it on the P.A.
He very willingly signed it, and as he did I said,
“this will be so good for both of us, now we can stay friends."
He looked so startled, then laughed out loud.
I had already talked to the junior high principal about the possibility
for next school year, and he had been my internship supervisor,
and with my old principal more than willing to let me go,
I think I have an above average chance.
But just in case I had the reg. rep. for AEA put his finger into the process too.
At lease it gave my ulcers a respite for Christmas break.
I'm still working on attitudes within, through bibliotherapy,
scriptures and counseling toward that end.
I wish I had a magic wand, I am now so far beyond what I ever even recognized
in me in l981 that it seems I would feel contentment and not work at it anymore,
but as I push back the walls I see more, and I want more of it,
and I am more content to do without the physical things,
and less content to remain static. (this job didn't happen)
and thought of you, and of me, and of two different lives,
but really not so different in too many ways.
I actually graduated this month from college (Masters), except for an incomplete,
which I will remove January 14 by turning in a paper and taking a final
in the Professional Ethics class.
I finished a poorly supervised school counseling internship,
while teaching last semester as Reading Specialist in grades l-4.
Last year there was terrific, I was well liked and respected by my principal,
and I was free to organize and arrange the reading program according
to what I thought best.
The district did a shuffle, and we got a new principal, cloned from my husband,
this year, and about August, I realized that I had a knife to my back
and he was laying a paper trail to not renew my contract.
I pleaded with my counselor to tell me I was paranoid, but he investigated
a bit and said, "I'm sorry, you’re not paranoid, you really are under the ax."
Now I've learned an awful lot about personalities,
DISC and Hartman’s color code, enough to know I was in a situation of personality clash
nearly over my head, and really, no matter what I improved or changed,
he would see no changes and give no complements.
Fortunately I had joined the education association and
leaned heavily on the regional representative.
Christmas miracles still happen, and a coach at the junior high resigned,
and the 7th grade English teacher took the coaching job leaving the
English classroom open. I took the intra district job form to my principal
and asked him to sign about 3 minutes after he had announced it on the P.A.
He very willingly signed it, and as he did I said,
“this will be so good for both of us, now we can stay friends."
He looked so startled, then laughed out loud.
I had already talked to the junior high principal about the possibility
for next school year, and he had been my internship supervisor,
and with my old principal more than willing to let me go,
I think I have an above average chance.
But just in case I had the reg. rep. for AEA put his finger into the process too.
At lease it gave my ulcers a respite for Christmas break.
I'm still working on attitudes within, through bibliotherapy,
scriptures and counseling toward that end.
I wish I had a magic wand, I am now so far beyond what I ever even recognized
in me in l981 that it seems I would feel contentment and not work at it anymore,
but as I push back the walls I see more, and I want more of it,
and I am more content to do without the physical things,
and less content to remain static. (this job didn't happen)
Double think
Here's one family that is floundering in self deceit and self defeating behaviors.
The nephew writes and sandblasts the aunt for perceived "attaks" on his father,
which he could have only gotten through his father emailing him of the "attacks"
then writes to "apologize" after hearing that Auntie has blocked their email,
but sends a copy to daddy to get his approval,
copying exactly the pattern of his father in the double speak manipulation.
I'm sure he wet his pants when Auntie responded.
I can't help but wonder, why you would write me an aplogy knowing,
or thinking you knew you were blocked?
Then send a copy to Dad, as if to say, OK, I apologized
knowing she won't get a copy.
From: F
Date: 4/25/2009 8:48:39 PM
To: Auntie L
Cc: f's father
Aunt,
I apologize about any hurtful things I said.
I am truly sorry for that.
What I thought might be helpful I allowed to turn hurtful.
I had read a little on the MI subject emails you sent.
I had no problem with them.
It's all very interesting.
It's just when it appeared that you were
attacking my dad again for expressing interest in the online
group that you requested that he join
that I made the mistake of responding with that email.
It seems that you started the emails shortly after
my dad requested that you not contact him.
Maybe a coincidence.
Once again, I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions on this.
But it's all really none of my business
and I'm not sure how I ended up
on your thread anyway.
I still think it better that we not send emails to each other as we have
discussed.
Judging from your comments I take it that you could use the
same break. But then again you said you blocked my email.
signed F
Dear F:
I thought I HAD blocked all of your family's email.
I've always admired you F.
I don't know why you turned ugly towards me.
I only clicked on "reply all" when your dad began harrassing me
with his business offers after disowning me (within the same week).
I tried to stay positive by offering, instead knowledge and information
that can save your children from a bi polar life.
Again, you don't have to like me, love me, respect me or even know me,
but you do want to save your children from the lives
your Uncle, me and and your poor dad have had.
It is not a fun way to live.
Now your little cousin has been diagnosed with Bi Polar
and she is so happy to hear that there is an actual cure.
That life can be changed.
That she doesn't have to infect her babies.
Read about it on the other web sites and ignore mine.
I'm only trying to provide information.
I have no business to join, no money to be gained, nothing of value to exploit;
I offer all the informtion I do freely.
I joked with my sister,
"What is the opposite of Growing Together as F said,
would that be shrinking alone?
Well perhaps it is.
I have shrunk alone for now 60 years.
I don't want you and your kids to.
By the By, I didn't request that your dad join anything;
there was nothing to join,
there was a weekend conference I paid dearly for that
they allowed us to invite people to view at the last minute;
he was just home from his surgery and I thought he could use some good viewing time
as he had nothing but bedrest to look forward to;
there was nothing to join, no group to exploit, no business venture to be had;
it was a one weekend deal I offered to everyone for whom I had email addresses
because I am an altruistic type person.
Anyway if you know how to get rid of your addresses and
those of your siblings so they don't pop up
when I press the first letter in their name, please let me know; I don't have them saved in my address book, but because I pressed "reply all" they seem to be like a virus on my computer now."
I would truly like to not communicate with your family any further
as all I have gotten is grief from you all.
I have your youngest brother's address seperatly as he has always been my friend
and my favorite; that is a different story.
To: F
Subject: Clinical curiousity
I can't help but wonder, why you would write me an aplogy knowing, or thinking you knew you were blocked? Then send a copy to your dad, as if to say, OK, I apologized, knowing she won't get a copy.
FYI, that's called double think. In John in the New Testiment he talks about Double think or double speak. It's a way of saying the two different, even opposite things at the same time, and managing to feel quite fine about it. When we begin to recognize things like this in our thinking, we begin the road to recovery (see lickin and groomin web site for directions on metacognition If you are interested. Double think runs rampant in my family of origin, siblings, cousins and probably back to Cristobol Colon Baca and Geroge Jacobs I at least. This too can be taken out in one generation by recognizing it, teaching about it, and standing guard in our own minds 25/7
The nephew writes and sandblasts the aunt for perceived "attaks" on his father,
which he could have only gotten through his father emailing him of the "attacks"
then writes to "apologize" after hearing that Auntie has blocked their email,
but sends a copy to daddy to get his approval,
copying exactly the pattern of his father in the double speak manipulation.
I'm sure he wet his pants when Auntie responded.
I can't help but wonder, why you would write me an aplogy knowing,
or thinking you knew you were blocked?
Then send a copy to Dad, as if to say, OK, I apologized
knowing she won't get a copy.
From: F
Date: 4/25/2009 8:48:39 PM
To: Auntie L
Cc: f's father
Aunt,
I apologize about any hurtful things I said.
I am truly sorry for that.
What I thought might be helpful I allowed to turn hurtful.
I had read a little on the MI subject emails you sent.
I had no problem with them.
It's all very interesting.
It's just when it appeared that you were
attacking my dad again for expressing interest in the online
group that you requested that he join
that I made the mistake of responding with that email.
It seems that you started the emails shortly after
my dad requested that you not contact him.
Maybe a coincidence.
Once again, I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions on this.
But it's all really none of my business
and I'm not sure how I ended up
on your thread anyway.
I still think it better that we not send emails to each other as we have
discussed.
Judging from your comments I take it that you could use the
same break. But then again you said you blocked my email.
signed F
Dear F:
I thought I HAD blocked all of your family's email.
I've always admired you F.
I don't know why you turned ugly towards me.
I only clicked on "reply all" when your dad began harrassing me
with his business offers after disowning me (within the same week).
I tried to stay positive by offering, instead knowledge and information
that can save your children from a bi polar life.
Again, you don't have to like me, love me, respect me or even know me,
but you do want to save your children from the lives
your Uncle, me and and your poor dad have had.
It is not a fun way to live.
Now your little cousin has been diagnosed with Bi Polar
and she is so happy to hear that there is an actual cure.
That life can be changed.
That she doesn't have to infect her babies.
Read about it on the other web sites and ignore mine.
I'm only trying to provide information.
I have no business to join, no money to be gained, nothing of value to exploit;
I offer all the informtion I do freely.
I joked with my sister,
"What is the opposite of Growing Together as F said,
would that be shrinking alone?
Well perhaps it is.
I have shrunk alone for now 60 years.
I don't want you and your kids to.
By the By, I didn't request that your dad join anything;
there was nothing to join,
there was a weekend conference I paid dearly for that
they allowed us to invite people to view at the last minute;
he was just home from his surgery and I thought he could use some good viewing time
as he had nothing but bedrest to look forward to;
there was nothing to join, no group to exploit, no business venture to be had;
it was a one weekend deal I offered to everyone for whom I had email addresses
because I am an altruistic type person.
Anyway if you know how to get rid of your addresses and
those of your siblings so they don't pop up
when I press the first letter in their name, please let me know; I don't have them saved in my address book, but because I pressed "reply all" they seem to be like a virus on my computer now."
I would truly like to not communicate with your family any further
as all I have gotten is grief from you all.
I have your youngest brother's address seperatly as he has always been my friend
and my favorite; that is a different story.
To: F
Subject: Clinical curiousity
I can't help but wonder, why you would write me an aplogy knowing, or thinking you knew you were blocked? Then send a copy to your dad, as if to say, OK, I apologized, knowing she won't get a copy.
FYI, that's called double think. In John in the New Testiment he talks about Double think or double speak. It's a way of saying the two different, even opposite things at the same time, and managing to feel quite fine about it. When we begin to recognize things like this in our thinking, we begin the road to recovery (see lickin and groomin web site for directions on metacognition If you are interested. Double think runs rampant in my family of origin, siblings, cousins and probably back to Cristobol Colon Baca and Geroge Jacobs I at least. This too can be taken out in one generation by recognizing it, teaching about it, and standing guard in our own minds 25/7
dreams of sudsing bubbles cleansing my body
Dear GT:
I survived another night with two or three hours sleep and the rest full of , and the same recurring dream of the automaton being moved from room to room, sitting at desks with no discernable objective but to sit there at desks; there is a extra sensory communication among a few elect who plan an escape, but the thousands of miles surrounding the "school" is barren desert and unescapable.
Dreams interrupted by very real bouts of vomiting foamy slime and previous meal contents and breaking wind and percieved foaming bowel movements (I checked they were not foamy, the vomit was). But no pain, no unberrable muscle cramping, or syatic nerve pain shooting through me as I turn over or make an easy rise to meet the demands of of the vomiting.
And there's ice packs on my eye and Tylenol, but only Tylenol, no other drug. And the feeling of wellness pulsating through my body, focusing on still disturbed tissue in my knees and thigh.
We sit, we plan, we watch for a chance while all around us are moving from room to room in orderly fashion aware of the rules and the structure and the guards "big brother" watching. The preparations in the parallel dream are constantly in progress to move, sorting, storing, throwing out all manner of life's junk and stuff, loading and reloading the limited resources for moving, grandchildren coming and out of the picture with a parade of memories.
I survived another night with two or three hours sleep and the rest full of , and the same recurring dream of the automaton being moved from room to room, sitting at desks with no discernable objective but to sit there at desks; there is a extra sensory communication among a few elect who plan an escape, but the thousands of miles surrounding the "school" is barren desert and unescapable.
Dreams interrupted by very real bouts of vomiting foamy slime and previous meal contents and breaking wind and percieved foaming bowel movements (I checked they were not foamy, the vomit was). But no pain, no unberrable muscle cramping, or syatic nerve pain shooting through me as I turn over or make an easy rise to meet the demands of of the vomiting.
And there's ice packs on my eye and Tylenol, but only Tylenol, no other drug. And the feeling of wellness pulsating through my body, focusing on still disturbed tissue in my knees and thigh.
We sit, we plan, we watch for a chance while all around us are moving from room to room in orderly fashion aware of the rules and the structure and the guards "big brother" watching. The preparations in the parallel dream are constantly in progress to move, sorting, storing, throwing out all manner of life's junk and stuff, loading and reloading the limited resources for moving, grandchildren coming and out of the picture with a parade of memories.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
If truth were a pill you should get a patent
Dear Growing Together,
If truth were a pill you should get a patent
and sell it for huge bucks a pop.
Secrets are way over rated.
This is not an apology or "letter of repentance"
I just sent this one to the "one in charge" and I feel better.
Dear Brother:
Just wanted you to know what I just did.
We were fine. We were twitter-paited.
We had something most older folks don't find in a winter marriage.
We had each other, we had passion and we had fun.
Then he said, "Let's be more active in our church"
I said, "we are very happy, why not leave things they way we are;
I slept less than 4 hours a night,
spun into a psychotic manic episode unparreled
by any I have been aware of in a life time of bipolar,
nothing like my new husband of less than three years had ever seen;
even with heavy medication it was hard to come down;
for a month on medication and sleeping pills
I was still sleeping only 3 - four hours a night and vomiting
and coughing up heavy green speutum evey morning;
All the symptoms of swine flu appeared plus some.
Except I didn't have it.
I stopped the hypocritical pretence;
The morning headaches were reduced;
the vomiting has stopped and the antibiotics have been allowed to work.
The mood stabalizers are doing their thing,
and I can go to sleep at night and wake up later
to take the sleeping pills which get me through the rest of the night.
I was going to put this on a pretend blog,
but I started vomiting and coughing again,
realizing how manipulative that would be,
and how deceitful it would be.
I'm tired of deceit and manipulation.
That is all I have gotten from you "leaders" and others since started
to try tp be like you want me to be.
That won't happen again.
We were happy.
We were enfatuated.
I didn't care about my husband's strange habits.
I do care about his hypocracy and his holier than thou attitude
since he has decided to follow your advice.
From:
To:
Sent: Wednesday, May 13, 2009 5:48 AM
Subject: Re:
My dearest brother
Thank you so much for not passing judgment.
After all when I land my plane;
hopefully without anymore damage
(I've been fired as a substitute,
fired from my chiropractor;
fired by my family doctor,
on suspension or possibly expelled from my university,
quit the church,
nearly divorced my husband,
and nearly busted my back digging and hauling huge rocks)
maybe I can be sane for a little while then be
depressed again for the winter like always and crawl back into
my little Algernon hole.
Thank you for being my brother.
I know you had no say in the matter,
but at least you've stuck with it and haven't disowned me.
I've been trying to clean my yard and the one next door.
I plant my extra grass and flowers over there
so it will look better from here and be safer for the little kids that live there.
I called the home teacher and his companion to task on it
and called Housing and reported the dangerous conditions,
maybe someone will help me.
The little kids worked hours over the week end
picking and digging sticker weeds and fox tail grass.
Dear Sister,
Since you have sent this to me, I have to take it you want me to know about it.
I find myself unable to give you any words of advise or consolation.
Some people are really "with-it" for their church.
Some people PRETEND to be really "with-it" for their church.
Some people want to be just somewhat affiliated with their church
-- you know -- me over here and the church over there.
Some people can't stand any church.
Many, many people can't stand those who PRETEND to be all churchy,
and use this for power or gain like Gadianton robbers.
Maybe someone could start up a "church of sorta-saints" with just
five Commandments (each member chooses which five)
and five percent tithing when you feel like it and shortened scriptures
(five chapters of Genesis plus
any five Psalms plus any five chapters from the
Book of Romans) and just five meetings a year.
Only that would not cover the real problem.
In my proposed sorta-church, you would still have people saying,
"You are worse than me, therefore I am better than you.
Stay worse, because it makes me look better."
One of my Sergeants in the Army said in my hearing,
"Why does my belly start to hurt when I get here in the morning
and keep hurting until I leave in the afternoon?"
And the Army is not even a church!
Your (Blood) Brother
Dear brother;
My second husband wanted to start the "First church of Non Believers"
when we were married.
My dear sister,
Years back you did me the great service of putting me on to
my manic-depressive disorder, lithium carbonate and
Dr. Cassanova to put it all together.
Since then, I have been at times like
I am able to leap tall buildings at a single bound,
and times when I felt like my feet were in buckets of concrete
that I could barely drag around.
But I have had an idea what was going on.
Dad never knew that.
In a manner of speaking, that time when you blew up in my face,
in my house, was a great favor to me,
because it has enabled me to understand
a little of what is going on in my own mind.
Knowing that I am seriously mentall ill
(and you taught it to me!)
has made it possible to sort of allow for it,
as when walking in a high wind, one leans into the wind.
Usually I can put on a fair imitation of
someone who is NOT seriously mentally ill --
or at leaset make myself scarce during the worst times.
I am like the man who crawled under his porch
to try to get away from the voices in his head.
An officer of the law shined a flashlight down there and asked,
"Fred. What are you doing?" He was able to get away with saying,
"Just checking for termites and termite damage, Officer.
Thank you."
Love, your Big Brother
Dear Brother;
Good, I guess I haven't been able to "fake til you make it",
but I do try, and I'm so sorry for blowing up at you,
really don't even remember, though.
I am really sick now.
this university thing has put me over the edge.
I see my shrink tomorrow. Hopefully he can help get me back down.
I was almost there when I got the suspension notice
which was based on no warning, no notice and no facts.
I have contacted the national president and am
attempting to get a disability attorney or
heaven forbid Civil liberties attorney.
Where is Paul when he is actually needed.
If truth were a pill you should get a patent
and sell it for huge bucks a pop.
Secrets are way over rated.
This is not an apology or "letter of repentance"
I just sent this one to the "one in charge" and I feel better.
Dear Brother:
Just wanted you to know what I just did.
We were fine. We were twitter-paited.
We had something most older folks don't find in a winter marriage.
We had each other, we had passion and we had fun.
Then he said, "Let's be more active in our church"
I said, "we are very happy, why not leave things they way we are;
I slept less than 4 hours a night,
spun into a psychotic manic episode unparreled
by any I have been aware of in a life time of bipolar,
nothing like my new husband of less than three years had ever seen;
even with heavy medication it was hard to come down;
for a month on medication and sleeping pills
I was still sleeping only 3 - four hours a night and vomiting
and coughing up heavy green speutum evey morning;
All the symptoms of swine flu appeared plus some.
Except I didn't have it.
I stopped the hypocritical pretence;
The morning headaches were reduced;
the vomiting has stopped and the antibiotics have been allowed to work.
The mood stabalizers are doing their thing,
and I can go to sleep at night and wake up later
to take the sleeping pills which get me through the rest of the night.
I was going to put this on a pretend blog,
but I started vomiting and coughing again,
realizing how manipulative that would be,
and how deceitful it would be.
I'm tired of deceit and manipulation.
That is all I have gotten from you "leaders" and others since started
to try tp be like you want me to be.
That won't happen again.
We were happy.
We were enfatuated.
I didn't care about my husband's strange habits.
I do care about his hypocracy and his holier than thou attitude
since he has decided to follow your advice.
From:
To:
Sent: Wednesday, May 13, 2009 5:48 AM
Subject: Re:
My dearest brother
Thank you so much for not passing judgment.
After all when I land my plane;
hopefully without anymore damage
(I've been fired as a substitute,
fired from my chiropractor;
fired by my family doctor,
on suspension or possibly expelled from my university,
quit the church,
nearly divorced my husband,
and nearly busted my back digging and hauling huge rocks)
maybe I can be sane for a little while then be
depressed again for the winter like always and crawl back into
my little Algernon hole.
Thank you for being my brother.
I know you had no say in the matter,
but at least you've stuck with it and haven't disowned me.
I've been trying to clean my yard and the one next door.
I plant my extra grass and flowers over there
so it will look better from here and be safer for the little kids that live there.
I called the home teacher and his companion to task on it
and called Housing and reported the dangerous conditions,
maybe someone will help me.
The little kids worked hours over the week end
picking and digging sticker weeds and fox tail grass.
Dear Sister,
Since you have sent this to me, I have to take it you want me to know about it.
I find myself unable to give you any words of advise or consolation.
Some people are really "with-it" for their church.
Some people PRETEND to be really "with-it" for their church.
Some people want to be just somewhat affiliated with their church
-- you know -- me over here and the church over there.
Some people can't stand any church.
Many, many people can't stand those who PRETEND to be all churchy,
and use this for power or gain like Gadianton robbers.
Maybe someone could start up a "church of sorta-saints" with just
five Commandments (each member chooses which five)
and five percent tithing when you feel like it and shortened scriptures
(five chapters of Genesis plus
any five Psalms plus any five chapters from the
Book of Romans) and just five meetings a year.
Only that would not cover the real problem.
In my proposed sorta-church, you would still have people saying,
"You are worse than me, therefore I am better than you.
Stay worse, because it makes me look better."
One of my Sergeants in the Army said in my hearing,
"Why does my belly start to hurt when I get here in the morning
and keep hurting until I leave in the afternoon?"
And the Army is not even a church!
Your (Blood) Brother
Dear brother;
My second husband wanted to start the "First church of Non Believers"
when we were married.
My dear sister,
Years back you did me the great service of putting me on to
my manic-depressive disorder, lithium carbonate and
Dr. Cassanova to put it all together.
Since then, I have been at times like
I am able to leap tall buildings at a single bound,
and times when I felt like my feet were in buckets of concrete
that I could barely drag around.
But I have had an idea what was going on.
Dad never knew that.
In a manner of speaking, that time when you blew up in my face,
in my house, was a great favor to me,
because it has enabled me to understand
a little of what is going on in my own mind.
Knowing that I am seriously mentall ill
(and you taught it to me!)
has made it possible to sort of allow for it,
as when walking in a high wind, one leans into the wind.
Usually I can put on a fair imitation of
someone who is NOT seriously mentally ill --
or at leaset make myself scarce during the worst times.
I am like the man who crawled under his porch
to try to get away from the voices in his head.
An officer of the law shined a flashlight down there and asked,
"Fred. What are you doing?" He was able to get away with saying,
"Just checking for termites and termite damage, Officer.
Thank you."
Love, your Big Brother
Dear Brother;
Good, I guess I haven't been able to "fake til you make it",
but I do try, and I'm so sorry for blowing up at you,
really don't even remember, though.
I am really sick now.
this university thing has put me over the edge.
I see my shrink tomorrow. Hopefully he can help get me back down.
I was almost there when I got the suspension notice
which was based on no warning, no notice and no facts.
I have contacted the national president and am
attempting to get a disability attorney or
heaven forbid Civil liberties attorney.
Where is Paul when he is actually needed.
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